#being23isawkward

So I have been on this stint of high level contentedness when under the surface, I've been dealing with a lot of crappy things. Throughout my life I have realized that when the going gets tough, complacency leads me to unhealthiness - so my battle for working through where I'm at in life has led me to lose some inches and go down a couple jean sizes. 

...which is good (and I hope I can keep the momentum going)! But another realization I have come to, is that being a young professional and 23 is almost the as awkward as being 17, or 20, or any age on the brink of an age breakthrough . Let me be a little ranty; last year T. Swift was all excited about being 22, but I have to say...the early twenties are just odd:

• Still can't rent a car for a decent price. When trying to move cities for a new job without a car this was the worst. 
• The term "recent graduate" holds a stigma that I feel is chasing me around like a shadow
• Maybe this is more a result of being a transplant to a new city, but other 20 somethings aren't looking for other 20 something friends. People are all bae'd up and/or graduate students
• I want to do 29798639276432 things with my life. Ask me where I will be in 5 years and you will probably get the same blank stare as when I was asked what I want to major in during my freshman year of college
• It is still somewhat okay for me to sit around in my cheetah print ADULT onesie pajamas on Saturday mornings catching up on my Hulu shows (FYI: I would totally invoke a self- intervention if I felt I was going from "just relaxing" to "lazy ass")
• As my sister-friend and I were agreeing on the other day, at 23 emotions seem to be doing more roller-coastery tricks than when I was first going through puberty. Why is this? One moment I am LIVID (like red face devil Emoji livid) at my roommate for not doing a small chore, and the other I am completely sobbing during a whole episode of The Biggest Loser. Waterfalls for days.
• Age is a liability. In insurance, insurance,  insurance, etc. Meaning us who are broke and swimming in debt, also have to dish out more cash for the years until we become an "OFFICIAL adult" (18-tease, yay voting rights; 21- chug chug chug; 25- do whatever the hell you want & less of a liability - OAS: official adult status) 
• Craziest age-range of friends, ever. Due to work or student status, the folks I communicate with in my immediate vicinity range from age 18 to 75. I enjoy this a lot; it is just something new that I appreciate about the workforce now-a-days
• I feel there is a consistent message coming my way that these are the years I need to still be out getting drunk and running around like a crazed young person. That - has never truly been me but maybe I just haven't hit it yet

On the flipside... I can still use my college student ID to get the discount on movie tickets! Holla! Maybe I will use the stereotype that all Millennial's are techy to my advantage and make an app that only 21-24 year olds can join across the world to engage in the awkwardness of our years. A great advantage to being 23 is I know a team I could get right now to help me with that.  As a young woman  I always welcome and appreciate growing pains because they push me to be better. I fully support my fellow 23 year old ladies whatever their current situation may be: married, cohabiting, dominating a corporation, starting their own business, doing a year (or more) of service, supporting their families, working wherever, etc.

  I am grateful that we live in a world that allows women to do really WHATEVER we want at any age, when in very recent history that was not the case. So as I work through my next professional transition, spending time with my over-worked tear ducts, and wanting to be Mindy Kaling, Olivia Pope & Jessica Day ALL at the same time....I will just have to be 23 (until July 16th) and enjoy the #awkward ride!

 #thisismylifestyyyyyle (yung thug voice) #pleasecommentifyoufeelme!

#namaste

 #mary

It's OK to cry in church

Nearly 4 weeks out and I am just now waking up to my new reality in Michigan, realizing that my year in VVC is gone and past. Don't get me wrong, I will always be a Vincentian Volunteer of Cincinnati, eventhough my "year" of service is done. 

July 22nd was the start of our final retreat, and took place in Milford, OH. It was serene, our backyard was filled with groundhogs and provided us the needed space to reflect on the past year, pray, relax, and enjoy each others company without distractions. Our program director was once told that on retreat one needs to: rest, eat, and pray - and in that order...which is what we did. 

By the end of the 3 days we were all emotional in ways that were appropriate to us. Our last activity was articulating our hopes for each person in the community, and of course I was bawling by the end of that.  It has been hard for me to get my thoughts on these pages about ending my year because over the past month I have reflected in person multiple times, and through many conversations with coworkers in passing. Once August hit, it was hard to imagine that such a transforming year was near conclusion. I feel as my intention for this blog was to depict my year of service, I want to be able to widely share how incredible it was for me.

Though there were many teaching moments, many grace-filled moments that I cannot capture in words... here is a snippet of some of the many lessons I learned during my year of service:

•  Always assume the good will in others. 
• There were many times when the 3 of us definitely did not get along.  2 men, 1 woman, 3 distinct personalities. We all were seeking intentional friendship, and there were definitely more laughs than bumps along the way, but it did take time to get a good course of living where our 3 schedules found time to eat together, fellowship together, and explore our own interests. When I would be annoyed or even misunderstood one of them, I learned how to take a moment, assume that they have every positive intention for me during that time, and move on. Having only 3 people made the interactions we did have that much more personal...which made us much more self-aware, and very close as a group in the end. 
• Never expect 'Thank You'.
• As a client advocate, all I did was embrace the stories of my neighbors, assist them in utilizing resources we had, and in the community, and fight for their voice when getting rent or utility assistance. There were a couple very special stories where I may have done more for one client or another, but there were also times when there just wasn't enough time and someones lights or water were off, or someone was evicted. For the individuals I was able to restore a bit of peace to their daily life, I was grateful to have that opportunity to do that. I learned quickly that attitudes - whether sour, cranky, or extremely grateful, I was always the one saying " thank you; I am glad we are able to help".  At the start of the year I did not sign on to my year to be praised and thanked for the work I was doing. It was my honor, with the many moments of help from God, to be able to do the work I was doing.
• It's okay to cry in church. 
• I was very unsure of how a year that had an intentional faith component to it would look like for me. Especially one that was tied to a different faith tradition than one I was used to.  I felt very disconnected spiritually in early 2013 and was craving that relationship again. VVC actually found me, I did not seek the program, but God works in mysterious ways- and it was exactly what I needed.  Having not prayed to a God in YEARS,  about 3 weeks into the program I started praying again.  There was a historical black Catholic parish in our neighborhood that we frequented, and with time, I was surprised to find spiritual solace in mass (a place that I found very uncomfortable in my first encounters with it). I often found my mind floating to where I was in my faith and where I wanted to be which often brought me to tears, and often when kneeling in mass. Recreating relationships are never easy, and they take time; this one is definitely not an exception to the rule.
• Community is everything. 
• Our whole year was about building community: in our house, in the West End, at SVDP, etc. I found it to be all around me: in my workout class at our local YMCA, at the job I picked up in July to cover transitional expenses...it was everywhere. When the intention and love are there to make a group of people more than strangers, magical things happen.
• Living simply means living with intention. 
• One of the interview questions for VVC asked what "Living simply means to you". I said something along the lines of: "well, I won't be able to get my nails done anymore!" which when looking back on it is funny and true, but it is much more than that. It is thinking about how you eat, how you travel, your interactions with people, with technology, with finances...For the first time in my life I learned how to compost, was itching to grow a garden, tried to disconnect digitally as much as possible, and  I was very modest with my spending. I wanted to "unclutter" my life, which included taking out processed foods from my diet and other things my body didn't like. The power of simplicity is so poignant and needed in our very busy lives. It was everything I needed to concentrate my year on growing in relationship with God, being present to my clients and roommates, as well as allowing myself to grow as a woman. 

There were also plenty of professional growth moments, all of which I am grateful I was able to grow through. I am glad I was given a unique load of responsibilities including: managing the tasks of high-school work study student; leading a group of volunteers all of whom were 40 to 50 years older than me; and many other random things. Moving on at the end of August felt rushed, so I worked an extra week because I wasn't ready to say bye. I didn't love  the city of Cincinnati, but I have so much love for the staff at St Vincent de Paul, ALL of my housemates, and the community in the West End. But without a doubt, Cincinnati will hold a piece of my heart.  

After a difficult 2014 spring, dozens of interviews and job inquiries, and TONS of reformed resumes and cover letters... I accepted a position in Detroit, MI as a Youth Development Coach for the Youth Development Commission.  After living in Michigan for almost 3 weeks now, I am proud to say that I am an AmeriCorps alum, that I am still deeply tied to the Society of St Vincent de Paul, that I lived and know some of the nuances of Cincinnati - and will gladly share my experience with others; as well as apply my lessons learned to my life. My year as a Vincentian Volunteer energized me to truly make my passion my career - so when I was looking for jobs...that's exactly what I did. 

For as long as I can remember,  youth development was a hobby and passion I did alongside my academic studies. I was not a 'Youth Studies' major from the U of M, but Intercultural Communication. Students Today Leaders Forever for many years gave me the opportunity and environment to exercise my passion for leadership development in high school students.  At the last high school leadership camp that I co-directed for them I participated in the labyrinth that we facilitate. The one question that was burning in my mind the whole time was something along the lines of: if you are not working for them, what are you doing? I was referring to working for the youth. If I am not advocating for them and helping them to develop and utilize their gifts, then what am I doing? As I saw the parents and some youth through my work at SVDP, I so clearly recognized the incredibly needed space for youth in poverty; a place to go after school, caring mentors in their lives, an accountability partner to help them with what they want to achieve. I never thought that it could mean moving to Michigan, and working in Detroit...but  God called me here and I welcomed the opportunity with open arms. 

In a new city, energized to build community and apply my lessons of how to live simply in my life, I am proud of my 11 months, and the person I became from it. None of it was easy, and a lot of really hard personal things were happening the same time as the program. Sometimes a prayer is all you need to get through the day. This prayer was in my room when I first moved into the VVC house. I now leave it with you:

Namaste.

Shanti Shanti Shanti

I am a firm believer that if you believe in something positive, then it will be a positive truth for you. I also think that everyone should own a cat so they can expel the fear that cats are awful sneaky pets - but that's my truth :) I think every Spring I look for some grandiose transition into something new: a school year completing, a new dedication to fitness once the snow was off the sidewalks, an ability to breathe deeply again, etc. This is proving to be true for me this year also, as I transition out of my "year" of service, and into something new. Every where I go I am getting the questions of where exactly I will be going, and what I will be doing. This year, more than ever, being as deeply formative and challenging as it is/was has inspired me to truly follow my passion for working with underrepresented students of color. This can play out in a few different arenas and positions, and I have been enjoying the adventure of discerning what that would look like for me. 

Along with the slight pressure to buckle something down, I also received some news that made me cling a little closer to my roots. Throughout all of this change, an increase in my workload, there has been one continuous presence that was a huge support to me throughout this specific spring roller coaster: my community yoga class. 10- weeks of teacher training for 2 awesome yogis, revealed itself as an incredibly beneficial weekly ashtanga practice for me. This was an intermediate class bringing together young professionals like myself, my coworker and her friends, as well as just random people from around the community. All shapes, sizes and ages. We came together in community and serenity every Tuesday- honoring the humanity of each other at our practices. I have ben practicing yoga for about 5 years now, and this class was just so inspiring to me. Our teacher had a lot to do with that for sure, and it ended up being something I looked forward to every week. 

One particular exercise we did before one practice when attendance was down was to sit in a circle, turned to our left, so we were all facing the back of the person in front of us. We were asked to place our left hand over our heart, and our right hand on the back of the person in front of us behind where their heart is. Close your eyes- and send energy to the person in front of you. 

In that moment I felt many things: peace, content, joy, vulnerable... It was like a ring of love and pure positivity with basically a group of strangers. 

I believe there's a real lesson in that: When do we offer our hearts energy to others, truly? How much do we disconnect and send some own positivity to ourselves- thanking our heart and body for everything it does for us? 

As some days for me are harder than others,  what brings me back to the world is closing my eyes, focusing on sending my breath to my heart and thinking "thank you". Any trials and tribulations that happen in transitionary times are sure to come in times when they aren't welcome. When we aren't  in a very stable emotional, mental, physical, or financial state where we can deal with anything that comes our way. As I trust that everything in my life will turn out just how it's supposed to be, I remember what a man at our local YMCA mentioned to me while I was waiting there: "you know what- I'm blessed. I'm really blessed because if something isn't meant to happen for me it won't, and if it is meant to then it will. You just have to trust that it will- and remember how blessed you are." 

As I currently travel up to my alma mater, about to witness thousands of transitioning beings at 3 or more graduations, and as I begin to transition out of my AmeriCorps year with St Vincent de Paul, I am sending 3 things to all people I may see over my weekend trip, to myself, to those hurting in poverty- who have may not felt content many years; and to any heart that may need a breather: Shanti Shanti Shanti - Peace, Peace, Peace. 

Namaste,

Mary

P.S.

My bib from my first 10K on May 3rd and a random selfie! :P